So it’s currently nearly 3 in the morning, i’ve just finished off my bowl of coco pops with about 5 teaspoons of sugar on top, and i’ve decided i need help. I’ve been struggling with what i’m pretty sure is binge eating disorder for about a year now, and after many attempts to try and make it better on my own, I think i’m finally at the point where i’m out of all other options.
I really don’t understand how I ended up here. I’ve gained over 2 stone in just one year since the first binge, and it just feels like i’m out of control. I’ve literally gone from being underweight to overweight in the space of a year, and now it’s to the point where i don’t even want to leave the house incase I see someone i used to go to school with (i’m 17), just because i know they’ll look at me and wonder what happened- maybe even laugh at me for it. But back then i wasn’t healthy either; i restricted like crazy and made myself sick whenever i had chance.
Now, i don’t even know how to eat like a regular person. I know the concept of eating healthy- things like 5 pieces of fruit and veg a day and not having too much sugar- but i dont know how much to eat, when to eat it, when it’s okay to have a treat, and so on. I’m so stuck for what to do next that the idea of eating scares me, but it’s all i seem to be able to do. Because of my restriction in the past too, the utter shame for me of having no control over what i’m eating or my weight is overwhelming, and it’s so scary for me to reach out and get help.
Never the less, i’m giving CAMHS a call tomorrow to see if they’ll take me back for therapy after i dischaged myself from getting treated for depression. It’ll be so scary to face them all again, or even worse if i ring up and they think i’m attention seeking or being a drama queen about it, but i know it needs to be done. I can’t go on like this and i refuse to. I want my life back and so i’m going to do this with an open mind and put my nerves behind me. I;m just so so scared to have to admit the amount i eat to someone or talk to them about it when i view it as being so disgusting 😦
Sorry this has been such a rant type post, I’ll try and do one a bit more positive next time; i hope this page makes someone feel less alone and like they aren’t the only person with a disorder like this. If you are going through this please try and get help, and don’t leave it as a last resort like i have- and DONT GIVE UP! Please leave a comment and share your experience with me too, or your experience with ED therapy becuase i’m so nervous
bloggingmybinge xxx
bloggingmybinge 