Author: bloggingmybinge

Whenever i go online to look at other people’s journey’s or influences who promote recovery, i feel like i only ever see two ends of a scale- food freedom and being able to eat whatever you want, or trying to restrict yourself of certain foods to try and avoid a binge episode. But then i feel like both of these ideas completely contradict recovery in different ways. For example, isn’t being able to eat whatever you want going to allow a binge to happen, rather than learning to deal with the urges and the feelings that come with it?? Also, isn’t resticting food what got most of us here in the first place?? I could be completely wrong as i don’t believe that two people’s mental health issues are ever the same, but i do know that the beginning of my disorder and a lot of other people’s came from a great deal of restriction to begin with, so is it really helpful to resist foods when your craving them??

I really feel like recovery is so much more than both of these ideas, and so much more about learning what part of your brain your thinking with at the time of a craving. I know that sounds really confusing and odd, but by that i mean whether your thoughts are YOUR thoughts and your rational mind, or whether it’s your eating disorder talking, or as i like to call; Eddie. I read this idea earlier on today on a eating disorder recovery story and it really made sense to me, because i know that when i’m in the process of arguing with myself about whether i should and shouldn’t raid the fride or take random slices of bread out the bread tin, it’s almost like I have an alternate ego telling me and convincing me to just do it. It’s not even that i’m craving that particular food or that i’m hungry, it’s just like there’s a voice in my head that tells me that i NEED to do it.

But this voice is just my eating disorder, and i feel like in order to recover, the most and main important thing is being able to identify this voice and seperate it from my actual thoughts, to then allow me to just dismiss Eddie as ‘just my eating disorder talking’ and take myself out of the situation. I found this really helpful today and it helped me to overcome a binge before it even happened, so i just hope maybe someone else can read this and it can help them the same way it did with me.

Just to sign off, i’ve called CAMHS today and they’re talking it through with my care coordinater whether i should be put with the eating disorder team or a specialist, so hopefully i can start treatment really soon and move past this awful obsession iv’e had with control over my food my whole life. I know it’ll be a long process and i don’t know if i’ll ever fully be over it but i’m hopeful. If anybody has ever been treated for an eating disorder through CAMHS please let me know, as i’m quite nervous and i don’t really know what to expect

bloggingmybinge xxx

So basically, what i’m trying to

So it’s currently nearly 3 in the morning, i’ve just finished off my bowl of coco pops with about 5 teaspoons of sugar on top, and i’ve decided i need help. I’ve been struggling with what i’m pretty sure is binge eating disorder for about a year now, and after many attempts to try and make it better on my own, I think i’m finally at the point where i’m out of all other options.

I really don’t understand how I ended up here. I’ve gained over 2 stone in just one year since the first binge, and it just feels like i’m out of control. I’ve literally gone from being underweight to overweight in the space of a year, and now it’s to the point where i don’t even want to leave the house incase I see someone i used to go to school with (i’m 17), just because i know they’ll look at me and wonder what happened- maybe even laugh at me for it. But back then i wasn’t healthy either; i restricted like crazy and made myself sick whenever i had chance.

Now, i don’t even know how to eat like a regular person. I know the concept of eating healthy- things like 5 pieces of fruit and veg a day and not having too much sugar- but i dont know how much to eat, when to eat it, when it’s okay to have a treat, and so on. I’m so stuck for what to do next that the idea of eating scares me, but it’s all i seem to be able to do. Because of my restriction in the past too, the utter shame for me of having no control over what i’m eating or my weight is overwhelming, and it’s so scary for me to reach out and get help.

Never the less, i’m giving CAMHS a call tomorrow to see if they’ll take me back for therapy after i dischaged myself from getting treated for depression. It’ll be so scary to face them all again, or even worse if i ring up and they think i’m attention seeking or being a drama queen about it, but i know it needs to be done. I can’t go on like this and i refuse to. I want my life back and so i’m going to do this with an open mind and put my nerves behind me. I;m just so so scared to have to admit the amount i eat to someone or talk to them about it when i view it as being so disgusting 😦

Sorry this has been such a rant type post, I’ll try and do one a bit more positive next time; i hope this page makes someone feel less alone and like they aren’t the only person with a disorder like this. If you are going through this please try and get help, and don’t leave it as a last resort like i have- and DONT GIVE UP! Please leave a comment and share your experience with me too, or your experience with ED therapy becuase i’m so nervous

bloggingmybinge xxx

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

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